DEPARTMENT OF ONCHAIN MEDICINE
THE SCAN ALWAYS COMES BACK BULLISH
[ 🔇 HOSPITAL SOUND: OFF ]
OFFICIAL PATIENT ID: 0x8de4a3bcca4f48b058fa9acddf4ac7f1e592edcc WHERE TO RECEIVE TREATMENT APPROVED MEDICAL FACILITIES:
MEET MR. CATSCAN MR. CATSCAN IS A MEMECOIN TRADER.
Unfortunately, he is also an idiot. After years of buying tops, refusing to sell and asking where Dev, his doctors recommended immediate medical attention. His scan results were conclusive.
HOW DOES A CATSCAN WORK?
1. BUY SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE
CATSCAN SCANNER
DEPARTMENT OF ONCHAIN MEDICINE
PATIENT READY
0%
START SCAN /* 8 CATSCAN RESULTS */ const catscanImages = [ "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/NGMI.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Whale_Incoming.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/ChronicJeeter.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Chadhousery.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Error.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Diamond.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Bullish.png", "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/image/upload/Bot.png" ]; /* CAT MEOW */ const meowURL = "https://res.cloudinary.com/napgxwrf/video/upload/meow.mp3"; let scanning = false; let lastImage = -1; /* SCANNER AUDIO */ let audioCtx = null; let scannerOscillator = null; let scannerGain = null; let beepTimer = null; function startScannerSound() { try { audioCtx = new ( window.AudioContext || window.webkitAudioContext )(); scannerOscillator = audioCtx.createOscillator(); scannerGain = audioCtx.createGain(); scannerOscillator.type = "square"; scannerOscillator.frequency.value = 68; scannerGain.gain.value = 0.025; scannerOscillator.connect( scannerGain ); scannerGain.connect( audioCtx.destination ); scannerOscillator.start(); beepTimer = setInterval(function() { if (!audioCtx) return; const beep = audioCtx.createOscillator(); const beepGain = audioCtx.createGain(); beep.type = "square"; beep.frequency.value = Math.random() > 0.5 ? 430 : 270; beepGain.gain.setValueAtTime( 0.045, audioCtx.currentTime ); beepGain.gain.exponentialRampToValueAtTime( 0.001, audioCtx.currentTime + 0.11 ); beep.connect( beepGain ); beepGain.connect( audioCtx.destination ); beep.start(); beep.stop( audioCtx.currentTime + 0.11 ); },950); } catch(error) { console.log( "CATSCAN AUDIO FAILURE" ); } } /* STOP AUDIO */ function stopScannerSound() { if (beepTimer) { clearInterval( beepTimer ); beepTimer = null; } if (scannerOscillator) { try { scannerOscillator.stop(); } catch(error) {} scannerOscillator = null; } if (audioCtx) { try { audioCtx.close(); } catch(error) {} audioCtx = null; } } /* PLAY MEOW */ function playMeow() { try { const meow = new Audio(meowURL); meow.volume = 0.75; meow.play().catch( function() { console.log( "MEOW BLOCKED" ); } ); } catch(error) { console.log( "MEOW FAILURE" ); } } /* START SCAN */ function startCatScan() { if (scanning) return; scanning = true; startScannerSound(); const status = document.getElementById( "catscan-status" ); const result = document.getElementById( "catscan-result" ); const button = document.getElementById( "catscan-button" ); const screen = document.getElementById( "scanner-screen" ); const progress = document.getElementById( "progress-bar" ); const progressWrap = document.getElementById( "progress-wrap" ); const percent = document.getElementById( "percent" ); /* RESET */ result.style.display = "none"; status.style.display = "flex"; progressWrap.style.display = "block"; percent.style.display = "block"; progress.style.width = "0%"; percent.innerHTML = "0%"; button.disabled = true; button.innerHTML = "SCANNING..."; screen.classList.add( "scanning" ); /* MEDICAL MESSAGES */ status.innerHTML = "INITIALISING CATSCAN..."; setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "CHECKING BRAIN ACTIVITY..."; },1800); setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "ANALYSING WALLET..."; },3800); setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "SEARCHING FOR SELL BUTTON..."; },5800); setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "MEASURING BULLISHNESS..."; },7800); setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "CONSULTING DR. CHADDINGTON..."; },9800); setTimeout(function() { status.innerHTML = "SCAN COMPLETE"; },11800); /* SLOW PROGRESS BAR */ let progressValue = 0; const progressTimer = setInterval(function() { let jump = Math.floor( Math.random() * 3 ) + 1; progressValue += jump; /* FAKE PAUSES */ if ( progressValue > 31 && progressValue < 38 ) { progressValue = 32; } if ( progressValue > 64 && progressValue < 72 ) { progressValue = 65; } if ( progressValue > 89 && progressValue < 95 ) { progressValue = 90; } if ( progressValue >= 100 ) { progressValue = 100; } progress.style.width = progressValue + "%"; percent.innerHTML = progressValue + "%"; },420); /* FORCE 100% */ setTimeout(function() { clearInterval( progressTimer ); progress.style.width = "100%"; percent.innerHTML = "100%"; },12000); /* RANDOM DIAGNOSIS */ setTimeout(function() { let newImage; do { newImage = Math.floor( Math.random() * catscanImages.length ); } while ( newImage === lastImage ); lastImage = newImage; const randomImage = catscanImages[newImage]; /* STOP SCANNER */ screen.classList.remove( "scanning" ); stopScannerSound(); status.innerHTML = "DIAGNOSIS CONFIRMED"; /* MEEEOOOOW */ playMeow(); /* RESULT REVEAL */ setTimeout(function() { status.style.display = "none"; progressWrap.style.display = "none"; percent.style.display = "none"; result.src = randomImage; result.style.display = "block"; button.innerHTML = "SCAN AGAIN"; button.disabled = false; scanning = false; },450); },13000); } SCAN COMPLETE
FURTHER TREATMENT MAY BE REQUIRED.
OR CONTINUE IGNORING MEDICAL ADVICE
[ 🔇 HOSPITAL SOUND: OFF ]
CATSCAN GENERAL HOSPITAL
$CATSCAN IS A MEMECOIN. CRYPTO ASSETS ARE RISKY AND CAN LOSE ALL VALUE. NO PROMISES OR GUARANTEES
NOT MEDICAL ADVICE. PROBABLY NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE EITHER.
